Sunday, April 03, 2011

My long series of lies....

although you may think some of this is made up, you would be mistaken.  I am going to tell you of things in my life that are very disturbing to me.  My parents protested my whole life I was a slut for having any relationships at all, told me I was living in sin and that I would go to hell, yes I find out years and I do mean years later, that my parents only got married 2 years before my fathers death.  Ain't that some shit?  Tie that to me having a suspicion that my mother was married to a man named Tom Mix in El Cajon, California at the time my father and her met and she ran off with my father, well I could be someone elses child altogether...What the hell do I do with that?  I went my whole life believing my mother's maiden name was Arnold and it turns out she confesses to me when I was 17 that her name was Strauch and that I had a sister that her and my father had given up for adoption three years before I was born.  So get that?  My mother, Joyce Joanne Arnold is actually Joyce Joanne Strauch and this is good too she says she has a sister that is a twin whose name is Joanne Joyce Strauch I guess and that name when entered into a search engine gives me a name of a woman who was born the same day as my mother and lives to this day in the same address since my birth although there is no work history for this woman, no credit history, no drivers license, it's like she dropped off the face of the earth.  What am I to think of this situation?

I haven't got a friend in the world where I live, I spend most of my time alone at home with no one to talk to as I have alienated myself from any family I have here and well friends back here are hard to come by.  Most don't like outsiders and that is what I am in a small farming community where everyone knows everyone else. 

I had an abortion when I was 17, but before anyone condemns me for it please finish reading and you will understand it was NOT my choice.  My parents took me to a judge late one night in Safford, around 8 pm which I thought was weird that a judge would be around so late, but when we got there this judge was scary and I was only 17 at the time...had been moved around my whole life and never fit in anywhere.  When I was 17 I was dating someone for over a year or two I believe it was and well I got pregnant.  My parents figured it out about the same time I did and went ballistic on me, I couldn't leave the house my mom even spent all night sitting in a kitchen chair at my bedroom door all night so I wouldn't be able to run away...I was taken to Tucson to get this done and all I remember was the waiting room stunk so bad and when they took me back they were all so cold, like it was just an every day occurence for me to be losing a child.  I prayed and prayed that my boyrfriend at the time would somehoe come and save me from this horrible nightmare and I remember when the procedure started I cried so hard and I didn't stop for hours.  I was depressed for a long time after that.  Had nightmares about my baby.  Still have those quite regularly.  It was not my choice but I felt so helpless to stop any of it and the blame I take on myself is that I was weak.  Too weak to stand up for myself and not let anyone do something to me that I did not want done.  I hate myself for that mistake and probably always will. 

My parent then promptly unenrolled me from high school where I had just started my Junior year and had just made the local choir The Taste of Sound and then it all changed and got all messed up and the next thing I knew I was just sitting in my room til I turned 18 and 4 months later I was married just to get out of my parents house.

And all the things they said I did wrong and I was shaming them by doing they had already done themselves and I didn't know it until I started putting 2 and 2 together.  It has taken me years to untangle the web of lies that was woven by my parents.  And I am finding it is still coming apart and more is being revealed to me. 

It all just takes time and a little help from friends...

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