Saturday, January 15, 2011

I'm very sad...

When I was a little girl I wished all the time I had a sister.  I was alone much of my life.  My parents liked to move a lot and when you are out on the road and a child, your parents tend to be very overprotective.  I didn't have many friends when I was growing up from about the age of 7, when the constant moving started to the age of 13 or so when we landed in Safford, Arizona and the moving stopped.

My childhood started in Safford.  I was in a new school and for the first year fully expected to be told at anytime that we were moving again.  We stayed the whole year.  That was the first time ever I got to spend one whole year in the same school.  That year I met the people who would influence the shaping of my life for the rest of it.

I met my best friend there.  She is my best friend today as well.  Her name is Shari DeSpain.  I have found many of my friends from school via FaceBook.  UGH, I digress!  Sorry!  Damn Bi-Polar!

Ok so back to why I am sad.  When I was 17, I made a huge mistake and was not liking my parents very much at the time, I ran away from home, to another friends house because we lived so far from town I couldn't get to Shari's house so I put my trust in my other best friend, Penny Reynolds and stayed with her family for a day or two.  When my mom thought she lost me for good, she decided that she better anti up some information I had bothered her for for years, just asking the normal childish questions that we all ask of our parents when we are just learning and getting curious about how we are the way we are.  I would ask why I didn't have a sister.  Why we couldn't get one.  I was always so lonely.  That has been one thing I have always been no matter what I have been doing or where I am in life.  So she tells me that I have a sister but that she was given up for adoption before I was born.  She as born December of 1967 and given away to her new family the day she was born.  My mother held her only far as I know my father never held my sister.  My father was my mothers senior by 25 years.  I was born when my mother was 25.  So my mom was 25, so that made my dad 50 when I was born.  My mom was 22 and my dad 47 when my sister was born.  My dad was also in Viet Nam in the Navy.  My sister was given to a couple that my father was in the service with.  His name was Dennis Rutledge.  I looked at my mother with a look of utter horror in my eyes because I could not understand how my loving mother, who was my best friend when I was a child, could have done such an unspeakable thing to a baby and why did they keep me if the excuse to be used was that my father didn't want any children.  Didn't make sense to me.  Of course we are talking about the people in my life who kept all of my father's family away from me until I was 7 here...

So, I talk all this over with my brother when my parents decided to throw me out for awhile to teach me whatever it was they thought I should learn from a lesson like that when I was 17 and I had to go live with my brother.  Well, half brother.  We share the same father but not the same mother.  He and I decide we are going to find this girl.  I want to know who my sister is...obviously.  All my life, I dreamed of having a sister who would always be there to love me and be there to talk to me no matter what stupid thing I did with my life or whatever. 

Christmas 2009 my half brother surprises me with what I thought would be the best Christmas present of my entire life.  My sister had been found in Lexington, Kentucky and plane tickets had already been taken care of for her to come and meet us..  You cannot imagine the excitement I felt when I first heard those words.  Excited.  Nervous.  Happy.  Sad.  All of it came flooding in at once.  That was a LOT emotion for an over anxious Bi-Polar me. 

She was afraid to meet me.  I finally laid eyes on her and realized she looked exactly like our mother.  I cried when I saw her, she was so beautiful.  It was like seeing my own mother 40 years back in time live and up close.  I couldn't take my eyes off her.  I was the typical little sister when she was here visiting for 4 days too.  I didn't want to let her out of my sight for fear it was all a dream and would disappear if I didn't keep sight of it.  I hardly slept at all when she was here...we stayed up and talked for hours and hours.  It was exactly as I had always dreamed it would be for that 4 days.  I have some wonderful memories from that time.  My favorite one was taking her to the Erie mall and on the way we were singing with the radio to "Rockstar" by Nickleback.  We talked on the phone after she first went home and then we went to writing letters, each of which she did first so I followed suit.  Then all of a sudden the phone calls stopped and then so did the letters. 

Now I haven't talked to my sister in over a year and the phone number I did have for her is no longer hers so I have lost her again.  I have no idea what happened.  So yes I am very sad.  Even as the new year begins and a few things are turning around finally, this is a hard pill to swallow.  She never even got to meet our mother.  Our dad has been gone for 14 years now but our mom still lives in Tucson and she didn't even meet her.  I don't understand and I am so sad....

xox Dawn xox

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